Crash and Burn

There are dozens... hundreds... maybe thousands of ways a guy can knock himself out of the running. Bad grammar, poor hygiene, and unforgivable shoes are just some of the most common mistakes that men unwittingly make when trying to win a girl over. Lest you think I'm strangely shallow, a neat freak germaphobe, or some sort of grammar geek, ask any girl and she'll tell you if a guy shows up in 10 year old sneakers, smells like he hasn't bathed in a week, and has trouble putting together a sentence, the odds are very good he will not be getting a second date.

I'd like to take this moment to tell you about Sammy. Sammy was a reasonably good looking guy who messaged me on Plenty of Fish and somehow managed to get me to give him my MSN address so we could take it "off site" as they say. Now, there was nothing especially distinctive about Sammy, but at some point he played just the right card, and I thought I'd give him a shot. So the door was open, all Sammy had to do was fall gracefully through it. Instead he proceeded to stumble around so much that he kicked it shut on himself.

Let me begin by explaining how shortly after starting the MSN phase of our relationship, Sammy started being... "over attentive". Every single time I signed on, sometimes before my computer had time to register that I actually was online, I would get a message from him. Now I'm not saying that I like games. I don't want someone to ignore me deliberately to pique my interest, but give a girl a little breathing room. The second problem was in his flagrant use of nicknames and endearments, including a nickname that is admittedly my screen name, but as it is obviously not a proper name, should be used after seeking permission. "Hey cutie pie", "What's up sweetie" or "Niff Niff how are you today beautiful lady?" constantly greeted me on opening my laptop. All of these are fine and good, but we barely had spoken to each other and certainly had not met. Beware too much too fast. It leaves a feeling that you're trying too hard to make yourself part of some one's life.

Once I got past the endearments, his conversation was decent and relatively interesting. Nothing mind shattering, and his sense of humor didn't quite hit the mark, but he was sweet and he was trying. So I would indulge him once in a while for a chat. Every time we chatted, he asked to meet, or mentioned how he'd like to drive down at that moment and see me... and occasionally he wished he "could give me a nice massage right now". Again the warning bells would go off. There is a difference between aggressive and pushy, and this guy was definitely starting to cross the line. Still, I had told him we could meet, and allowed a date to be set for a mid week drink.

The day of the date he put the final nails in his coffin. First, as we were settling the location, he began to "prepare" me for meeting him:
"Fair warning, I have no six packs, I'm just a normal, average guy."
(which instantly puts him in a position to blame my shallowness in judging his physical appearance if there's no chemistry)
When I explained that I didn't have expectations either way, nobody is perfect, he replied:
"I know, I'm sorry, I'm just so nervous!"
I told him we were just going to have a drink and see if we connected... which lead him to say:
"But I really really like you."
RED LIGHT!!!
WE'VE NEVER MET.... you can't LIKE me yet!
I told him to relax, go back to work, and meet me in a few hours and take it from there.

I subsequently canceled the date.

Granted I did have a real and practical reason for breaking the date ( a work project had gone overtime and was needed by the end of the evening), but I won't say I wasn't relieved to have an excuse not to go.

As if to all this wasn't enough to solidify my misgivings, Sammy caught me later that night on MSN. He proceeded to tell me he'd been drinking anyway without me, offer me a massage, and then tell me I was always in a bad mood. Guess what Sammy, it wasn't your lack of six pack abs that lost you the girl, it was your needy, crazy with a side of judgy. Good luck out there Sammy, cuz you're not getting another chance with this fish.

"Hi"

As opening lines go, it doesn't get much simpler than "Hi"
"Hi. How are you" is the second runner up.

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate simple straight forward communication, but when dealing with the internet dating scene you have to give me a little more to go on. When you're walking up to someone in a bar or in a park, where ever you might meet in the real world, there are plenty of concrete sensory clues about a person. How they look, sound, smell, dress, hold themselves and how they look at you. But in cyberland all I have is your intro and a carefully (or carelessly) crafted profile page. So for god's sake man, be a little bit interesting in your opening line!

Take for example, the guy who simply asked me what I thought about parks. He included types and usages from regular parks to parking lots, and even Parker Posey. See... clever... and it gives me something to work with, some way to prove I'm as sharp and witty as he is.

Or how about the guy who sent me a list of 9 possible dates so I could choose something, letting me write back about how each was interesting in it's own way and why.

And then there was the optimistic fella who sent me the pledge of Awesome Possums. Off beat, but definitely worth taking a risk. My response reads as follows:


I "Jean" (that's me) have:

*NOT got into freelancing because of the money (although it's significantly better in film than in theatre) but rather for the love of what I do and also for the fact that two years of nine to five (making hats, which i realize hardly counts as 9-5) was nearly enough to kill my delicate and free spirit...

*got gum, various foods, several brushes, and once a small kitten stuck in my hair... as a matter of fact there may be a small woodland creature in there as we speak... it's hard to tell, it gets pretty wild some days...

*have only broken one bone, my left forearm, at the age of 4, by falling 2 feet off my dad's back... which also resulted in me kicking a medical professional in the delicate parts...

*have an embarrassing number of shoes... to which collection a gorgeous pair of "baby brogues" was added yesterday... black and white men's style shoes made just for my dainty feet! shoe love!!

*don't care about the lack of vehicle, but may feel the need to make jokes about the lack of licence... there's probably a really good reason so I'll save my best jokes for when i find out what it is...

*had not only a cabbage patch doll, but also a pink haired cabbage patch "cousin" doll... yep, a knock off c.p.k. but in hindsight she was very punk rock and edgy...


Really, all I'm asking is the opportunity to impress you, so impress me, and give me something to work with!

An addiction or a choice?

The question arose, over patio beers with my two married friends, about my type. What was I looking for in a man? What attracted me? The truth was, I couldn't really express it, distill it to words... at least not in any way that wouldn't make me look both shallow and more than a little neurotic.
"For example," I said, "I'm about to embark on my last two internet dates-"
"Wait," said Lisa, "You're still internet dating? I thought you swore off it after your last "last" internet date"
"I know," I admitted, "but it's strangely addictive."
"Even the losers, creeps, and weirdos?" Laura asked.
"Especially the them!" I replied.
"Please tell me you're keeping a blog"
"I am now..."

And thus, Glutton for Punishment was born.

I had found myself at 34, single again, finally finished mourning a broken heart (more or less), and fresh out of dating options. Dating the men I met at work was not an option. I'd seen how badly that could go first hand, and had no desire to wander down that path. I'd considered and dismissed most of my friends' friends. Really, it's not pretty when that situation goes south... someone always gets left out of the dinner parties and my friends are really good cooks! I don't suppose I need to go into detail on the bar scene, except to say that in my experience bars are filled with 23 year olds and attached men- both type is interested on a regular basis, sadly I don't return the admiration.

So one night over a bottle of Cuban rum, a very well meaning friend signed me up for Lava life. The particularly amusing part of that wasn't how she managed to extract a binding promise to give it a try for at least two months, but how she signed me up for the "intimate encounters" section of the site. Within 24 hours I had discovered that men could send pictures of their penises in that section. I've got quite the varied collection of male genitalia of all shapes and sizes thanks to Lava I.E. and I don't mind admitting that I laughed out loud upon receipt of each one!

The opening lines I was subsequently subjected to ranged from brilliant to bizar and back.

I've got a soft spot for those freaks and weirdos and the bravery they find in the anonymity of the internet.

I've often also had men send notes expressing surprise at finding a girl like me online.

"You're absolutely gorgeous? [his words not mine, I have some modesty] but I have to ask, what is a girl like you doing online? It must just be some sort of ego trip."

I was truly impressed with how that guy managed to compliment me with one breath and insult me in the next. I mean, I'm attractive, but obviously must be so shallow and narcissistic that I've posted a profile online just to get men to send me compliments. News flash fellas, pretty, intelligent women have just as much trouble finding a great relationship as the next person. I'm single, not an egomaniac.

So after months of regaling my friends with my tales of internet wackiness, I've decided it's time to share it with the world. Strap in, Ladies and Gents, for all the high hopes and bad dates (not to mention the most note worthy opening lines) that I can fit on the internet. It's gonna be a bumpy ride folks.