Know thy self

I recently had moment to take stock of myself... I'm over 30, into men, not sure I want children (mostly sure I don't), still certain there's someone I'm meant to spend my life with... So I'm relatively sure I know who I am and what I may want in life.
That's why I found myself in perplexed shock on my latest date.
Let me preface this by saying I was crushing hard on a face and a profile, which by now I should have known better than to do. (fear not I will fill you in on Daniel Craig's less sauve doppleganger) He seemed cute, fun, a foodie and into great wine, a fantastic attitude, an good sense of humour. I thought he was a contender.
Imagine my shock when the man I was meeting appeared to be gay.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That (unless of course you're dating women)

He showed up, flapped his hands at me, gave a kiss and a hug and then asked if I wanted a "drinky-poo"...
Alright, I told myself... nerves on his part, inflated expectations on mine... whatever, if he wasn't straight he wouldn't be here.
But I couldn't shake it. His compliments and flattery seemed to be at odds with his demeanor. Not that I'm an expert on sexual orientation, but I work in the arts... i've seen my fair share of gay and closeted men. He would attempt to hold my hand, but almost like an awkward sister, he definitely was interested in me on an intellectual level... but somehow his physical comments were disingenuous... Ex-grlfriends were mentioned in passing, so I know I'm not the first woman he's been on a date with. We spent literally hours gabbing in easy conversation, but not once did I feel the frisson of him mentally undressing me, really (despite him alluding to it) checking out my breasts... he seemed more interested in what I was wearing than the body it was covering.

I'll admit it was a delightful afternoon with a friend on the patio, but when he walked me home it felt like two school chums swinging hands on the way home from class rather than two potential lovers dragging out the eventual good bye.

He did insist on a kiss, pleasant, and well performed, but sadly without passion as far as I could tell.

Sure, none of this is proof positive that this isn't simply a great, but slightly awkward guy trying to impress a girl over beer and conversation. And maybe I'd give him a second date... he is funny and sweet and an all around awesome guy. But it's there, somewhere, the suspicion that I've come across another closeted male who really does want to find me attractive. I guess I'm just hoping that there's no way an urban educated male can make it to his fourties without realizing he's really gay, so this guy must be straight... right?

The spy beside me...

Some people would consider espionage dating weird... or lame... not me.
I figure at least it's kind of interesting to pretend you're international super spies on the trail of a government assassin. That way if you don't hit it off you've always got the storyline to keep you on track for an hour or so. That's what happened with Mr Bond.

Somehow in our online communications, we developed a story where I was a secret service agent, he was a photo journalist, and while abroad in a South American country on our respective assignments we find ourselves embroiled in the mysterious murder case of the diplomat I was assigned to protect. On various rendezvous we discover clues, while drinking strong local liquor and sweating against each other in dark corners. It was all very tantalizing and I decided to take him up on his offer of meeting face to face... in the interests of solving the crime of course.

We met up at a bar local to me, had a pleasant drink, a goofy conversation that switched between the story line and actual reality... confusing, but amusing. In the end he was a nice guy, decently attractive, who I would date again if asked, but mostly because there was a certain sense of not taking the whole ordeal so seriously. It was a date, simply put, two strangers meeting at a pre arranged spot to share details and clues as to whether or not they would like each other.

I felt very Mr and Mrs Smith.

It was definitely worth an hour of my time to play a little game with someone new.